yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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