Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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