Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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