We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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