you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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