I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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