Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I lost the right to judge tonight
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
