trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
