Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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