it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize