my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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