U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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