I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize