the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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