I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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