so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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