Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
