how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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