I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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