Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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