There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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