Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
