I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize