there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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