remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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