I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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