No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
