I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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