you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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