WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
