Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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