TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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