then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize