I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
