I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He did a backflip because drugs
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
