Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Randomize
