I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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