I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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