I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
