If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
