also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
