i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
