There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
