he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
