I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
