Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
