i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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