Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
