hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
false alarm. still invincible.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
