I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
