What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
