she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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