wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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