There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
