There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
