she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
