She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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