Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
