I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize