Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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