it hurts more in the daytime
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
