You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
